Stay Free, Pony Boy!

Fear is a mighty beast. It can take the most confident of people and turn them into a blubbering, indecisive mess. Not being secure in yourself or a decision can really leave the door open for fear to come in. Take for instance what I went through this morning. I’ve been wanting to go to this gathering of women called the Spiritweavers Gathering for two years now. Last year, I was extremely close to going, but didn’t out of fear of money. It’s over a weekend and as a server, that’s where I would make my big money. So, I let it pass me by and skipped it and thought about it off and on for a whole year. This year, I had a friend who was also interested in it. We were able to kind of remind each other and excite each other.

As the website released more information, I became even more determined to go and as they finally shared a registration date, I couldn’t be more enthralled. I daydreamed about being in nature and taking these amazing classes and camping among the stars and all that stuff that my spirit yearns for. And then, the self-sabotaging fear began to mingle with all the happy thoughts about it. Slowly but surely, I began to second guess this decision that I was only so sure about just moments before. As I began to do that, I would hear from my friend and then be able to realign myself with the decision to go.
Fast forward to registration day. Today. Ten A.M. to be exact. I have spent the better part of a half hour to an hour going back and forth with the same friend about how I feel like this is the thing to do. This whole time I believe it. Firmly believe it. I know it’s part of my journey. To be around like-minded women, doing what I strive to do, inspiration and freedom all around me. What’s not to like?

Then, something big happened. Obviously, many women were having the same strong feelings of needing to go to this as my friend and I. Because of this, the registration page was down for like fifteen minutes or so. My plans were not going so smoothly and it is here where the doubt began to seep in. I began to jump ship and board my friend’s thoughts. Going on an individual trip seemed better. I don’t even know what I’m going to do with my son. The drive is going to be so long. The gas money. The cold forest. What about this? What about that? The thoughts kept coming and I was about to just throw in the towel that I had not had one problem holding onto for the last year in just a few minutes of fear and self-doubt. But, there was a part of me that I knew I what I was doing. So, I turned to the spiritual aspect of my life and my original thoughts were validated. I was to go on this trip. Whether it rained, my friend didn’t go, gas prices rose, I had to go. This reassurance pushed me back to my computer where the confirmation button was waiting to be pressed and I could continue this part of the journey.
See, everything is a process. Even if something is done irrationally or impulsively, it’s part of the process. I mean, I would like to think about things, have balance and make plans just to feel right about it. But, I’m of the variety where I just do it. So, all of this for me was a process. And, I haven’t even gotten to the camp site yet. That will be a whole other thing.
So, fear, yah! It’s a doozy. It completely can infiltrate my whole being and take away something that I truly in my heart of hearts want. I can have this beautiful picture painted aligned with who I am and who I want to be and then, I can allow fear, which is not a part of me, to masquerade itself and rip it all to shit. I’ve successfully done this so many times, in so many different ways and I just can’t allow it to happen any longer. I must be true to my inner self and not my superficial fear, even though it can seem so big and scary and a part of me. The whole part of me.
So, back to pressing that button. I pressed it. And, you know what happened? I started to tear up. Why? Because I was honoring the truth inside of me instead of the trepidation. Every time that I’ve walked towards myself instead of away, I’ve been reassured that it was the right thing to do. With that, I choose to honor this trip even more by not placing expectations on this journey. I know that it’s truly part of the process. Remember, fear has many, many forms and they’re all wrapped in bondage. So remember to stay free, Pony Boy!

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